News

The Horrible Truth About Boston

As you know, this has been the Summer of TTSCC Triangulated Tri-Continental Secure Communications Center Love. Now, however, we have entered the Winter of TTSCC Triangulated Tri-Continental Secure Communications Center Discontent.

Due to recent events involving the (former) State of Delaware (aka TTSCCaware), the TTSCC has been receiving a frosty reception in its recently purchased US State.

You Don’t Have A Friend in Pennsylvania

This wouldn’t be such a problem, except we’ve also been made to feel (not told, as such) that we’re also unwelcome in Maryland. And Pennsylvania. And New York. Basically, most of the East Coast seems to be “alarmed” and “highly concerned” over our “shadowy backroom dealings [that have] delivered the naming rights of a US State to a highly…international…company such as…TTSCC”, if you’re to believe the New York Times.

Back in the Saddle Again

This is why we have decided to move a large portion of our operations to our newest Mailing, MechaniHolistic Naturist Healing, and Distribution Commune, located in Boston, MA. Update your rolodexes!

TTSCC
PO Box 441657
Somerville, MA 02144

While Somerville may not be Boston proper, it is home to many proper Bostonians. More importantly, it is home to many college students. Somerville, being slightly outside the city, has the vacant land and regional cache necessary for us to build our large and seemingly endless M.M-H.N.H.D.C. Complex, while the many money-desperate students allows us to emploit™ them in a number of non- or marginally-paid “internships” to help them gain valuable “work experience”.

If you are a student, and would like to intern at TTSCC, please be advised that our positions are taken for the current and following school years. If you are a local press member, and would like to speak to us about our work environment, please be advised our door is always open if we are out doing charity work, otherwise it is closed. Please feel free to visit us at the office in both cases.

Towering above the Bunker Hill Memorial to the South, and the Windmill of Dreams to the East, the new TTSCC World Headquarters is an exact replica of its Buffalo complex. Wiped from the face of maps and memories of those who have seen it, its main signage is still visible tens of miles of every direction. Strong, tall, highly illuminated, brash, headstrong, double-braced, quaking with rigid perversity of will, TTSCC: above Boston, above the East Coast, for everyone, for no-one, forever!

Has A Conspiracy Ended the TTSCC Triangulated Tri-Continental Secure Communications Center?

The TTSCC is Dead, Long Live the TTSCC!

It is with great sadness towards our fans and the suffering we shall inflict on our new life-long enemies that we must announce the abandonment of our Triangulated Tri-Continental Secure Communications Center.

What Happened

The short version: problems with regulatory hurdles in the (former) State of Delaware. Also, with it being an election year, state representatives and senators were hesitant to do anything too incredibly awesome and far-sighted, lest it make people aware of the lack of work they normally do.

Are we sad that TTSCC casts a light so bright that we reveal the shade in which others force us, the people, to live in? Of course not! It is only in cases such as this, when the intractable will of a national bureaucracy prevents us from continuing, that we lament our blinding foresight. There was also the matter of the permits.

Hardly worth mentioning, of course, but it seems there were two or several dozen regulatory permits we were to obtain before ground was broken, states were renamed, and several million cubic tons of earth were extracted from underneath the earth and deposited in landfills, neighboring states, and the sea. Again, these sorts of unforeseen hurdles can derail operations even as meticulously planned and popularly supported as our Triangulated Tri-Continental Secure Communications Center.

What You May Hear

You may hear stories in the press. Did we know that the State Inspector we bribed was, in fact, a failed street performer? We did not. You can be certain that if that were the case, we never would have bribed this man! We only do business with Legitimate, Official Employees of the Government. Never do we support those whose dreams include revivals of Godspell (unless translated into Esperanto) or to appear as the Lead Hunk on the latest TV series (without prominent TTSCC logo-wear on)!

These are the values on which our company can legally admit to at this time, and we are proud to stand by them.

About Delaware’s Name

As a result of this unprecedented event in the annals of transatlantic structure-building, we have introduced some changes to TTSCCaware/Delaware’s name (see previous news). The renaming was a great success. Proud though we are, we can’t abide by the above-mentioned fraud. As such, while the officially recognized name of the state is now TTSCCaware, maps, atlases, &c. will continue to list the state’s name as “Delaware”. This was the easiest thing to do at this time. Think of it as our own East Coast U.S.A. version of Myanmar (Burma)!

Why You Haven’t Heard About It In The News

Everyone loves a good conspiracy. We’re happy to report that in this case, however, the lack of reporting is only partly due to suppression via a shadowy international cabal headed by major telecoms. The onset of Ebola and continuing rise of global warfare have also helped contribute to the media’s silence on our grand project (now dead).

TTSCC Triangulated Tri-Continental Secure Communications Center 2014—2014. R.I.P.

Check Out the Progress of Our Triangulated Tri-Continental Secure Communication Center

As you can see from the above graphic, work continues apace on our Triangulated Tri-Continental Secure Communication Center! We are excited for our October launch. Sign up for the mailing list today!

Ken Burns & PBS: McKinley-Hater or Shrewd Marketer?

PBS and Ken Burns are launching a new documentary series about the Roosevelts. Bully! This really charges our San Juan Hill, if you catch our drift, because Theodore Roosevelt was inaugurated in our own beloved city of Buffalo, NY. The unusual occurrence of a non-Capital-based inauguration was due to President McKinley’s untimely death, brought by the muzzle-end of Polish-American anarchist assassin Leon Czolgosz’s gun—an event commemorated on its 100th anniversary by The Disappointments/Microsurgeon Buffalo EP.

There are those that argue that such a music-based commemoration of a President’s death is somewhat gauche. YET! what would they say to the (possibly) gruesome and dark detail that the date The Roosevelts begins airing is September 14, 2014—exactly 113 years TO THE DAY that McKinley died (making Roosevelt president), and 13 (LUCKY) YEARS to the DAY that The Disappointments unveiled the Buffalo EP to the world! and thereby linking Ken Burns, Theodore Roosevelt, and TTSCC in an unholy, enmoldened trinity.

What they SHOULD say is Ken Burns and PBS are marketing geniuses!

Yes, they may not be marketing geniuses, just Illuminati-backed Numerological practitioners playing sick games with the American public. And, yes, we’re also not sure if he’s commemorating McKinley’s death, Roosevelt’s ascension to President, or The Disappointments’ show at the (original, pre-expansion-closing-rebirthed) Mohawk Place.

What we ARE certain of, is this:

• Lots of tasteful fades of photographs while voice-over narration will occur during the documentary
• We’ll have a sale

And so it shall be! To commemorate the commemoration (intentional or un-) of our initial commemoratory event, get the Leon Czolgosz Shot Glass for just $3.75—just like in 1901! But hurry, this deal is only good until September 24, 2014 (the 113th Anniversary of Leon Czolgosz’s conviction, naturally).

Lastly, Ken Burns: talk to us if you need more ideas. We’re here to help.

Answering Your Questions About Our Triangulated Tri-Continetal Secure Communications Center

Some questions have come up since our previous post about the Triangulated Tri-Continental Secure Communication Center. Naturally, we welcomed the community’s questions with open arms, so we could close them tightly around these queriers, smothering their doubts under a stifling embrace of litigation and threats. Once again, however, we were reminded of the “rules of the land” and, after several tens of hours of heated debate in the Legaleria Antechamber, we have deigned to address these concerns gladly.

How Does it Work?

Visitors will enter the Triangulated Tri-Continental Secure Communication Center via one of its access points (outlined below). Once inside, you’ll eventually technically be over international waters. As such, you’ll be able to converse freely with whomever you like, as nude as you like, for as long as one (or more of you!) feel like it. No other chat service offers such a service for FREE*!

Access to the Triangulated Tri-Continental Secure Communication Center will be easy for most residents of Earth continents in the immediate vicinity. Residents of The European Union will have unrestricted access via Portugal. Residents of Africa, similarly, will be able to enter via The Gambia, and North/Central Americans via the Former U.S. State of Delaware (to be renamed TTSCCaware pending the forthcoming Senate vote after summer recess).

The TTSCC will also be running ferry services and flights from South America, Central America, and Caribbean islands once open.

How Much Will It Cost?

Chatting in the Triangulated Tri-Continental Secure Communication Center will be 100% free after you pay the entrance fee, which will be regarded as a modest investment by your future self. For those of you who need it, TTSCC Financial Officers will be there to help you arrange loans or easy “work-to-pay” programs.

Will It Look Like the Drawing?

Aside from our Patent-Pending Pyramoidal™ shape, it most definitely will appear differently. Unfortunately, the revolutionary covering and design we’re using cannot be unveiled at this time. The exterior will do several important things:

• it will help guide birds safely around the immense structure, so their migratory routes are not disrupted
• it will provide adequate lighting for air and sea travels
• it will bear mute witness to the overwhelming might and magnificence of the TTSCC, rendered in precious metals, stone carvings, and ever-changing electronic artwork via LED panels and lights, the overall effect being one as to leave visitors and potential invaders silent in awe and stunned by a glory heretofore unseen by the eyes of humankind.
• non-stick surface

Again, due to the life-altering properties of this design, we are unable to show it at this time. As a further complication, current desktop software does not permit a rendering that will be wholly accurate to the human eye.

Are You Worried About Your Proximity to The Bermuda Triangle?

We are not worried about this fanciful legend. All precautions have been taken to ensure that all visitors to the Triangulated Tri-Continental Secure Communication Center will be safely escorted to the front desk in order to sign in for the FULL EXPERIENCE! By signing in, guests assure their safety by holding themselves 100% liable for any accidental disappearance, Swimmer’s Ear, alien, god and/or Gods and/or g/God(s)-like, and/or any omniscient or seemingly omniscient being, life-force, or spirituality-related entity, energy, or craniophantasialphasiatic -related encounters; time travel, hollow earth enslavement, nail fungus, or mechanical damage they incur during the course of their visit. Pretzels are provided free of charge!

I’m a Scientist and Am Concerned About the Overall Weight of This Structure and blah blah blah science stuffs…?

Take it up with CERN, buddy. We’ve been over all this already, and the risk of crust collapse is largely theorized to be highly unlikely in most best-scenario case studies. Please show your science membership card for two (2) free hours in the wave pool!

We look forward to bringing you more great updates about this project as we furiously push human and humachine towards our October 2014 Opening Date!

A New Way to Chat with Friends

As was recently mentioned on our twitter account, we have an office in Senegal. Many of our wonderful and uppity followers responded on twitter with the usual types of of questions and encouragements:

We immediately got into our “social hats” and had Twitter delete these offensive jibes.

But then, in the social spirit of “partial transparency due to international regulations”, we’ve opted to post some hot n’ juicy tidbits of fact.

As much as we love Senegal, we found ourselves swept away by its diminutive neighbor, The Gambia. The Gambia has stolen our hearts and Exploratory Committee on Commerce Expansion. So much so, we’re engineering a cash for real estate transfer. Or, as the old tagline goes: we liked it so much, we’ve decided to buy the country!

DON’T WORRY

Whenever one buys a country, people are quick to trot out the ol’ “you’re an imperialist land-grabber here’s my number” arguments. Let us assure you, we have no interest in actually running a country directly! The Gambia will continue to be an independent and self-governing entity. You’ll also be pleased to know The Gambia won’t be alone in our new land holdings. The TTSCC is also purchasing Portugal and the U.S. State of Delaware to go with it.

GOOD THINGS COME IN THREES

These three great land areas will become the foundations for our newest venture, our Triangulated Tri-Continental Secure Communication Center. The hot web technologies these days are ephemeral messaging, ephemeral pictures, and rock hard security. People like to talk, and they like to talk with a promise of security and the possibility of seeing the other person nude. Our Triangulated Tri-Continental Secure Communication Center will facilitate these possible goals.

Pyramoidal™ (Pat. Pend.) in shape, our Triangulated Tri-Continental Secure Communication Center will have anchor points in The Gambia, Portugal, and (the former U.S. State of) Delaware. From these three points, the structure itself will be built, as seen below:

We’re very excited, and we hope you are too. You may find out more by visiting the Chamber of Commerce Web Sites for your local governments, or by calling you local government representatives in your respective U.S. State or Country of Origin. Be persistent if you call! They may insist they don’t know what you’re talking about, but we can assure you (in a non-legally binding way) that we are PRETTY SURE they know.

Barring any strong hurricanes or incursions, we expect it to be open by October 2014.

See you (nude? winky-smile!) in the Triangulated Tri-Continental Secure Communication Center!

A Brief History of American Thanksgiving Foods, Sounds, and Traditions

With candy behind us, and the spookiness of extended family ahead, it can only mean that we are at our American holidial mid-point of Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving, in the American sense, is a holiday given to celebrating the things we love most in our families and country. One of the most prominent examples of this is in our choice of the main meal, featuring a plump, browned, pineapple.

The tradition of the pineapple goes back to America’s founding. The pilgrims, dour pharmaceutical enthusiasts, landed after a harrowing 30 month journey. Their support bailed, and the settlement was plagued by many trials. Attitude, scurvy, and locusts plagued their attempts at establishing light-rail travel. The worst, though, were the pineapples.

Roaming through the united underbrush, thickets of wild pineapples would metastasize around any traveller not carrying a protective belt buckle. Though largely harmless, pineapples would attack when provoked. Commonly, they would scale a tree and roll off onto to a roof before striking a budding Transiteer (as the early ‘grims were known). They would also lie on popular paths after dark, injuring many a traveller, or “twysting upon thy most sacred and pryvite joinyg of the woman’s foote and legs"—that is, a twisted ankle. No laughing matter, as such twistings could lead to death in a fortnight during these rough times.

Thankfully, the Native Americans found it in their mistaken hearts to not let these belt-buckled zealots perish. They taught the colonists how to trap and cultivate the pineapple. Legend and popular misconceptions have the Pilgrims and the Native Americans sitting down in peace to eat a nice New England Pineapple at the first Thanksgiving. In truth, they ate it off of kebab skewers while doing the Charleston, in honor of the King (it should be noted the dance later lent its name to our system of weight measurements and the city in North Dakota).

The love affair with the Pineapple was not instantaneous. Although Benjamin Franklin proposed making it our national bird, it was voted down by a slim margin. Also, as settlement expanded, the pineapples retreated further into the woods. There they could often be found in densely wooded areas, near Spanish skeletons, and Bigfoot encampments.

After a couple hundred years of wars and genocide, America was finally ready to give thanks for its existence. Abraham Lincoln signed the official order for Thanksgiving to be celebrated on the last Thursday of November 1863. Tradition has held that we have it ever since. As a nod to that first Thanksgiving, Mary Todd Lincoln wore her hair in a Pineapple-shaped up-do, causing a sensation amongst the stifled wives of rich landowners of the day. As women’s hair became shorter due to "flapping”, people took out their frustrations by shooting at things, of which the Pineapple was the most delectable. A tradition was born.

This all may seem strange to those of you not from the United States, but rest assured it is something we Americans hold dear. Many is the Thanksgiving we can remember gathering at Grandmother’s house. Grandpa would be secretly eating sweets from the sideboard, while the children would stare at the television as the men talked politics. The sweet smell of Pineapple would waft out of the kitchen, each person’s eyes glazing misty with lusty hunger at the smell. Potatoes would be mashed, cranberries de-canned, and that 14-pound (6.3502932 kilogram) Pineapple would be simmering away in the Sears-made oven. Roasting. Browning. Taunting.

Then, just when it seemed like junior couldn’t take another blow to the head from his cousin’s favorite toy truck, the dinner bell would ring! Grandpa would fire the ceremonial pistol, and everyone would race into the formal dining parlor/encyclopedia storage chamber, blackjacks and elbows flying. The humming of the Thanksgiving Ode would begin. Uncle would wheel out the Pineapple on the Pine Cart reserved for this occasion. His wife carried the electric knife behind him on its customary pillow. Both being followed by the Eldest Son (dressed in a suit of Pineapple Colors), and then Grandmother in her air-cooled Gown of Eating. After she ascended the steps to her chair, and no sooner, could we then sit down to feast. This common scene, with only the slightest of variations in backwater hell-holes, plays out in every home in America each November. It is truly a day to celebrate Ishmael!

After the husk is cracked, the males of the family take the Pineapplian shards and rub them onto their wallets and faces. In more enlightened households, women will also join in by sacrificing a goat to the Blackened Spirit of the Harvest. Then, everyone digs in to the main course: Pineapple! Pineapple gravy, cranberries in cranberry sauce, and asparagus tips are some of the items seasoned delectably. Eating continues until Grandfather rings the Great Bell. Everyone stays silent for one minute thereafter, at which point the table engages in a call and response with one half saying “Pine” and the other saying “Apple”. This happens three times over, in honor of the Pilgrims’ three ships: The Santa Mayflower, The Ninapinto (Welsh for “Nine Pints”), and Old Ironsides.

Many of us joke about the chemicals in Pineapple making us feel sleepy after eating. This is just another Thanksgiving myth. The actual cause is the laudanum Grandmother adds to the drippings, which you can buy from the local corner pharmacy in 4, 8, and 3000 oz containers. This is subsidized by the Federal Government.

Rolling, dragging, and stumbling to the great room, everyone will leg-wrestle catatonically until dessert arrives. Traditionally, the soundtrack for this activity looks back to the first Thanksgiving’s use of a crude pipe organ as background accompaniment to the half-starved frenzy of eating. Though the Native Americans did have their own instruments, their style of “Jazzboe guitarbox”-playing wouldn’t be popularized until nearly a hundred years later, when George Washington Irving’s “Casey at the Bat” became the first musical to tour the US after the Civil War. Its use of a guitar-based accompaniment and inventive marketing of his newly-invented “peanut butter” set precedents that echo to this day. The use of organs for Thanksgiving music peaked in the wild 1960s, when many patriots bought home organs to drive the Italian Farfisa company out of business, but has now been supplanted by the use of a volume-maximized TV tuned to a program about parades, sports, or your local weather forecast.

Early Desserts stayed true to the tradition of English roots by serving Pruned Alaska. But, with the discovery of the Wild American Pumpkin in 1703, dessert became that other mainstay of Thanksgiving, the pumpkin pie. As decreed by the first Thanksgiving, “Alle feasts shall beginne and ende with dyshes that do start wythe the same alphabet-letter”. This also explains the traditional American workday breakfast “Toast and Turnips”.

Finally, pie and screamed recriminations finished, children locked in the antechamber, those persons being of the age 18 and older shall gather around the table to drink Pineapple schnapps and reassemble the Pineapple shell until it appears whole again. The guttural chant used will be picked from the family chant book by the youngest sibling or pet. The next-door minister will bless it, and it shall be bound with twine from a seaside hermitage, glazed, and set upon the memory mantle with its placard next to all the others.

Some say the Pineapple is a nuisance, and others say it is the holiest of sexualized native produce, but one thing is certain: it ain’t Thanksgiving without a leftover Pineapple sandwich to eat the next day!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Independence/Ivesdependence Day

We, the agnostic patriots of the TTSCC, wish similar souls and/or jingoism enthusiasts a Happy Fourth of July. Although our roster is filled with many fine Americans, perhaps no American Original is more appropriate for our queasy times than the grandaddy of American Experimental Composers than Charles Ives.

Embedded below is Ives’ “Fourth of July”, Movement III in his Holidays Symphony. Play it loud and put hair on your chest, curdle your neighbors’ beers, and salute: you are an American.

What Does This Means?

um guys do you understand what this means

Drinking party at Nick’s in four years and guaranteed NSA surveillance.